![]() ![]() But seriously, did Jacob pee on that baby? Edward, who seems pretty chill that Jacob has already called dibs on his 1 week old baby daughter, is all,”hey I don’t raise the vampire babies, I just make the vampire babies, am I right, bro!”Įdward and Bella move into their own perfect little cottage to take their relationship, the most boring romance of our generation, to the next level (or maybe because her ex is still crashing on the couch at their other place), and she and her clan of sort of good looking but still kind of weird looking vampires scour the world for other equally good looking but awkward vamps to do battle or prevent battle or whatever with the mighty Volturi. Also, apparently, he ‘marked’ Bella’s baby (ummmmmmmmm do they mean this in the way my dog used to mark my neighbor’s azaleas?) So I guess that’s the writer’s way of allowing Bella to have her perfect Edward, AKA “Jawline” (Robert Pattinson) and her Jacob, AKA “Abs on the Side” (Taylor Lauttner). Jacob is sleeping on the couch now which is just super awk. This time it’s from the Evil Vampire group, The Volturi. ![]() ![]() In Twilight: Breaking Dawn: Part 2 (the abbreviated version of the title), the wolves and vampires gather one last time to save Bella from something. I could walk in to her place and there could be steak, mac-n-cheese covered in Chulula Hot Sauce, and Chocolate Cheesecake, and she would want to watch Workaholics the whole time and cap off the evening by letting me destroy her in scrabble-what? It could happen.īut as the opening credits started up and I saw cheesy camera tricks ruin otherwise gorgeous shots of Washington’s mountain ranges, I realized that instead of the dream scenario I had hoped for, Twilight’s director, Bill Condon, had prepared grilled tofu, onions, a glass of ovaltine, and planned a fun evening of eyebrow plucking for our date this evening. Stay positive James, anything could happen. I treated this movie like I was going on a date with a girl I know I don’t like. As I settled into my seat, pulled out the cheese hamburger, and cracked open the beer I snuck in as a masculinity counter-attack to all the estrogen I was surrounded by, I really did try my best to keep an open mind toward Twilight: Breaking Dawn: Part 2: Yes, Jacob is Still Clinging Around: How Pathetic: Seriously, Jacob, She’s Like Married Now: Don’t Make us File a Restraining Order. ![]()
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